Claudia Messing, a psychologist, sociologist and president of the Argentine Society for Family Therapy, in her latest book "How Children Think and Feel Today", says that in our time "a structural change is taking place at the social level in the parent/adult–child relationship, called the 'symmetry of the child with the adult'. Children imitate their parents and adults to such an extent that they repeat their sentences, their way of thinking, their attitudes, knowledge, anxieties and fears, and also imitate their unresolved life stories. In this way they place themselves on the same level - as if they were adults".

"The demands of growing up are becoming increasingly difficult. Children and young people become blocked, demoralised, and quickly abandon their interests. That is why the question of vocation and profession is so hard today: they must, and want to, choose an occupation that guarantees them satisfaction and success, and they must not make a mistake. We have to teach them, and show them by example, how to gradually discover their own interests and talents. Otherwise, this is something that can be paralysing, where the pleasure of discovery is suppressed and the security they are looking for is very hard to find."

                                                                                                                                        Claudia Messing

What is the symmetry of the child with the adult?

The "symmetry of the child with the adult" is a structural psychological change affecting new generations of children and young people, one that to a lesser extent also affects adults, and which is still unrecognised at the social level. As a result, our traditional models of authority are collapsing, since today we are dealing with a child and a young person who does not know authority, who from birth feels "equal to adults", which radically changes and affects the educational paradigm in both school and family.

This is a change in the character of the earliest identification with parents. Since fear and distance no longer have as much influence as in earlier models of parenting, today’s child, from birth, thanks to his mirror neurons (Rissollatti, G, 1996.) – largely imitates his parents as if standing before a mirror. In this way he places himself on an equal footing with the adult, trusting his own criteria more than those of his parents. That is why the authority of parents and teachers has to be reaffirmed anew every day.

But at the same time, the child does not fully complete separation or individuation, but rather remains part of a whole with his parents, on the one hand disposing of his own time, energy and resources as though everything were his, as though everything belonged to him, while on the other hand simultaneously expecting understanding and the satisfaction of his needs from his parents. He does not know his own boundaries and limitations well enough, nor those of others, and therefore does not internalise them, which is why intolerance of frustration and excessive demands are so pronounced. This lack of separation considerably hinders the finding of one’s own vocation and professional identity, and generally slows down the processes of maturing and becoming independent., while violent relationships within close relationships become increasingly pronounced.

Because of the pronounced phenomenon of imitating parents in almost everything, we now have so many children who speak, think and feel like adults. They can be very independent and have access to a great deal of information with almost no restriction, precisely because they lack any kind of limit-setting. That is why there are so many gifted children, and at the same time so many children with difficulties in adjustment and behaviour. External factors make this worse. For example, the consumer market exploits the advantage of the symmetry between child and adult and treats the child as a privileged consumer, on whom it imposes fashion, toys and other products.

The speed of new technologies increases their impatience, their need for immediacy, and confirms the fantasy that everything can be achieved with a single click. Finally, networks and social relationships strengthen their dependence on how others see them, at the expense of internalising parents as protectors who reinforce security and self-esteem.

On the one hand, they may take control of situations and emotions that do not suit them, while on the other hand they feel humiliated and devalued in their "equal position" when their parents or other adults tell them what to do. This creates a constant short circuit in everyday communication, but also in upbringing and education. One of the major issues is intolerance of mistakes. They will not admit defeat in a game, in sport, a poor drawing, or defeat and error in general. For example, a bad grade can turn into an insurmountable drama. Every mistake is experienced as failure, as complete failure, and this later extends to their personality as adults, who find it very hard to make certain important decisions, especially those of an existential nature.

The psychical and psychological equality of the child and young person with the adult completely modifies the established paradigm of authority and greatly hinders the setting of restrictions and limits. They place great value on what they do for their parents, because they consider that whatever belongs to parents is not part of their own obligation. If they agree to do something, it is often in exchange for something else. For example: "I’ll brush my teeth if you buy me this and that. I’ll do my homework if you let me play PlayStation." If a parent accepts this approach, it will only reinforce the imaginary equality with the child, which parents, by their role, are not.

It is the adult’s task to promote the best possible relationship, which means the capacity for understanding that exists in children and young people once their attention is engaged and their cooperation is sought — that is, when the message is formulated with respect, clarity and empathy. It is the adult’s task to teach them to take on responsibility without the need for orders or punishments, to help them regain their place as children so that they can free themselves from that inner loneliness, excessive self-demand, intolerance of frustration and imaginary self-sufficiency, and from excessive imitation of others and their life stories at the expense of their own, which causes multiple forms of suffering among the younger generations.

The main difficulty brought by symmetry is that children imitate their parents but do not internalise them as protective figures. Inwardly, therefore, they are left to themselves, left to their own fears and insecurities and to their own self-demand and will, so that their parents’ words cannot be received as coming from an authority and have no power to set limits.

Whatever is conflictual and traumatic that parents fail to work through from their own lives, and which is present through mechanisms of emotional disconnection, appears in children without inhibition or censorship, like a tragedy in two acts, and generates suffering and pathology that is hard to overcome because it does not belong to one’s own experience but to someone else’s. Unconsciously, through the compulsion to repeat, it produces its effects not only on the life of each individual, but is also passed down through generations, from the unconscious to the unconscious.

 

DIMENSIONS AND EFFECTS OF SYMMETRY

 First dimension: imitating adults

This is a striking imitation of the way adults speak, think and act, so much so that children become united with them to the point of taking over their roles and functions, their emotions, traits and unfulfilled desires as their own — along with the unresolved traumatic experiences and situations of their own parents and earlier generations.

One of the main consequences of such intense imitation of parents is that the child believes he is like an adult, with equal abilities and possibilities, not noticing the limitations and lack of resources imposed on him by his stage of maturity and the developmental phase he is going through. Children think they can do everything adults can, that nothing is missing for them to use this power — things such as age, position, maturity or experience. From their perspective, they think they can do everything their parents can.

The most important consequence of this confusion is that, feeling grown-up, the child considers that he no longer needs his parents' care or protection, which leads him to an imaginary self-sufficiency, loneliness and lack of protection.

The second major consequence is a tendency to worry, to become anxious, and to take on and burden themselves with numerous problems that are not theirs. Children think they can take their parents' place, look after them, control them, give advice, raise their siblings and their peers (friends), and even take the place of their teachers.

Because of the rigidity that often characterises children, they experience adults' behaviour and speech as exaggerated and excessive, and this is often expressed through problems and disorders for which parents not infrequently seek advice and help. These often coincide with the problematic or conflictual traits of the adults they live with, and cause suffering and pain that are not always adequately recognised or treated. They also imitate their parents' unresolved traumatic history or situations, which are passed on to them as children, in the function of symmetry — that is, of taking on the adult role.

 

Second dimension: equality with adults

It is not only that the child imitates the adult's sentences and attitudes to the point of completely identifying with them, but that this exaggerated imitation creates an imaginary effect of equality between the adult and the child. The child does not recognise the differences, feels equal, and experiences himself as having the same rights and powers as the adult, identifying with them completely.

From this position of equality, the child neither notices nor sufficiently internalises the difference between the adult and himself; instead, he relies on his own (limited) knowledge. This deeply complicates the process of upbringing and education, because children do not recognise the adult's word as competent, but merely as equal in value to anyone else's word. This conviction of the child in his own criteria of thought and judgement means that the adult must constantly reaffirm his own authority, which then continually puts at risk the possibility of upbringing and the kind of authority known until now.

It is not the same to bring up and set limits for a child who recognises the difference between the adult and himself, who has internalised in his own mind the adult-child relationship, as it is with, on the other hand, a child who trusts only his own judgement and places himself on an equal footing with the adult, trusting only his own judgement. Reacting to an adult's suggestion, he feels humiliated, devalued and taken aback, and tries to impose his own opinion as the correct one and the only one of value.

The repetition of such a situation, together with adults' lack of awareness of this structural change, could prompt the child to develop what we call "negativistic and undesirable behaviour". Understanding symmetry gives us another way of grasping the difficulties adults have in exercising authority. As we have already said, great emphasis has been placed on fathers' failure to fulfil their role, and the need to set limits for children and young people is constantly stressed. However, adults have not been given the right tools for this, because it is still not known to what extent the child's psyche differs from that of the adult. Before us stands a child who, deep within, identifies with and places himself on the same level as the adult. Because of this, the model of authority and limit-setting needs to be modified so that it can adapt to this reality.

 

Third dimension: the fantasy of completeness, the lack of separation and the lack of including parents as protective figures

 

As a result of this exaggerated imitation of adults, it is hard to identify and internalise parents as those who care for and protect. The child markedly reproduces the adult but does not internalise him, and continues to function as though he were part of a single whole, which makes separation, autonomy and full individuation harder for him. This lack of separation leads him to believe in an imaginary wholeness from which complete, perfect and absolute security can be achieved. He does not tolerate the boundaries and limitations that every human being has, which leads him to a great intolerance of frustration. A second feature of symmetry between generations is enormous demands on themselves and others, which leads them to become very rigid and tense, and also to blockages and the abandonment of their own goals.

All these factors, and in particular the lack of acceptance of parents as protectors, bring them into a state of inner tension and loneliness, which, in interaction with their environment, encourages the emergence of new problems and disorders in children and young people — and, to a great extent, in adults too — such as a rise in anxiety disorders, impulsiveness, lack of concentration, depression, eating problems, violence, and various developmental disorders.

 

A new model of authority

 

We must make sure the child feels valued for his cooperation, that he feels his parents’ gratitude and joy, which is different from giving him something material in return. At some point it is not a bad thing for him to also receive a reward, or to be told that we are very proud of his behaviour.

We achieve real authority in three ways. The first is authenticity and the recognition of our own limitations. The child will cooperate with his parents if he sincerely perceives that they too need and seek help. For this, the adult must give up omnipotence and learn to seek his child’s cooperation, recognising his own limitations. This means he cannot do everything the child asks of him. Otherwise, the child begins to put pressure on the parent.

The second condition is consistency and respect. Seeking help does not mean that we stop being clear and firm, as adults, in our requests. We must completely abandon the position of victim and know how to manage communication: speak when the other person is listening, and break off communication when a power struggle begins. Having presence can be learned, and one way is by connecting with our own parents. The significance and support of our own parents make us stronger and less dependent on the immediate responses, demands and behaviour of children.

The last condition is gratitude and appreciation. Children experience being part of a whole with their parents in the right way when parents do things for them rather than instead of them. In this sense, parents can become protective figures with an authority that will give rise, in children, to gratitude and mutual respect through communication.