"Those who fear God will also find a faithful friend."

In Heraclea, in Pontus, there is a poisonous honey. Those who eat it lose their wits, for the bees gather it from the aconite that abounds there. Just so is false and wicked friendship, which is founded on the sharing of false and wicked goods.

Among the passions of the soul, love holds the first place. It reigns over all the movements of the heart, draws everything into itself, and makes us like unto that which we love.

Love is divided into two kinds. One is called the love of benevolence, the other the love of desire. The love of benevolence is that love by which we love a person for the sake of the good we wish for them. For what else is the love of benevolence toward a person, but to wish them well?

When the love of benevolence flows in mutual return, then it takes the name of friendship.

This mutual return consists of three points: friends love one another, they know that they love one another, and they maintain shared contact and bonds, sharing friendship and intimacy. If we simply love a friend, without preferring him to others, that is simple friendship. If we love him in such a way that we prefer him to others, then that friendship is called 'chosen love', as if to say that we have chosen him out of love. For among the several friends whom we love, we have chosen the one whom we prefer to the others. When we plainly and markedly prefer one friend to others of this kind, then that is 'friendship of exceptional love'.

When the esteem and preference we show to a friend is so great that he has no equal, so that it allows no possibility whatsoever of comparing or measuring him against others, then that friendship is called 'all-surpassing love'.

Show love to every person, Philothea, great and sincere love; but form friendships only with those with whom you can exchange virtuous things; and the more exalted the virtues, the more perfect the friendship will be.

If your friendship is founded on the exchange of knowledge in the field of learning, it will certainly be highly praiseworthy; and it will be even more so if at its centre are the virtues of prudence, self-denial, fortitude and justice. But if the very heart of your friendship is mutual encouragement to love, devotion and Christian perfection, oh, how precious it will be!

It is entirely certain that Our Lord loved St John, Lazarus, Martha and Magdalene with a tender and especial friendship; Scripture itself bears clear witness to this. It is well known that St Peter had a particular love for St Mark and St Petronilla, and St Paul for his Timothy and St Thecla. St Gregory Nazianzen boasted countless times of the great friendship that bound him to the great St Basil, and describes it thus: "It seemed as though there were but one soul in the two of us, in two bodies."

Here, then, Philothea, is a great warning. The poisonous honey of Heraclea resembles wholesome honey in every way: it is dangerous to make a mistake and take the one for the other, or to take something of both, since the goodness of the one does not prevent the harmfulness of the other. One must take care not to be deceived by friendships, especially when they are formed with a person of the opposite sex, whatever the reasons may be. For Satan often deceives those who love. It begins with virtuous love, but, if one does not watch carefully, superficial love will first creep in, then sensual love, and finally carnal love. Indeed, even in spiritual love there is danger if one does not take sufficient care, though here it is harder to go wrong and mistake one for the other. Satan's dirty trail is clearly seen against purity and whiteness: and so, when he wishes to harm us, Satan does it slyly and cunningly, so that we slip into impurity almost without noticing.

You will be able to distinguish worldly friendship from holy and virtuous friendship just as the honey of Heraclea is distinguished from wholesome honey: the honey of Heraclea is sweeter because the aconite heightens its sweetness, while worldly friendship is marked by an excess of words, passionate flattery, and praise of beauty, charm and sensual qualities.

Holy friendship speaks simply and sincerely, and gives praise only to virtue and to the grace of God, the sole foundation on which it rests.

The honey of Heraclea causes dizziness, just as false friendship causes a dizziness of the spirit which disturbs purity and devotion, and encourages tender, suggestive and unbridled glances, … and the loss of honour.

The eyes of holy friendship are innocent and modest, … it laments and complains only when God is not loved.

The honey of Heraclea clouds the sight, and worldly friendship clouds the judgement of those enslaved to it, so that they do evil while thinking they do good, and take their excuses and lies for true reasons; they fear the light and love the darkness. The eyes of true friendship are clear; it does not hide itself but gladly goes among honourable people.

Finally, the honey of Heraclea leaves a bitter taste in the mouth; so, too, false friendships always end by turning into hideous and foul carnal words and demands, and if these are not agreed to, there follows cursing, slander, lying, sorrow, shame and jealousy; all of which often leads to madness and rage.

Pure friendship is always, in the same way, honest, courteous and gentle, and can turn into nothing but a pure union of souls, a living image of the blessed friendship that reigns in heaven.

St Gregory Nazianzen says that the peacock, by its call, spreading its tail and strutting about, calls the hens who watch it to lust; when you see a man strutting, adorning himself, fawning, whispering and hovering around women and girls without intending to marry honestly, be sure that this is in order to lead her into some shamelessness. An honest woman will close her ears so as not to hear the cries of that peacock and the voice of the enchanter who wishes cunningly to bewitch her. For if she listens to him, O God, what a fatal sign of the imminent ruin of her heart!
Young people who make eyes at one another, caress or talk in ways they would not wish their father, mother, husband, wife or confessor to catch them in, insist stubbornly that it is a matter of something else entirely, and not of honour and conscience.

 

 

Advice and remedy against false friendship

What, then, is the remedy against this rabble, this anthill of senseless loves, vanities and impurities? The moment you feel even the slightest sign of it, turn away, hate that vanity from your heart, run to the Saviour's cross, take His crown of thorns and wind it about your heart, so that these little foxes cannot approach it. Beware of making any bargain whatsoever with this enemy. Never say: "I will listen to him, but I will not do as he says. I will lend him my ear, but not my heart." Oh, dear Philothea, for the love of God, never give way on such occasions. The ears and the heart speak to one another, and just as it is hard to stop a torrent once it has begun to rush down a mountain, so it will be hard for you to stop love once it has leapt from the ear straight into the heart. Goats, according to Alcmaeon, do not breathe through their nostrils but through their ears (though Aristotle refutes him): I do not know what the truth of the matter is, but I know very well that our heart breathes in and out through the ears, and that it is likewise through the ears that it breathes in the thoughts of others. Let us, then, firmly shut our ears against the tainted air of foolish words, lest they poison our heart at once. Do not listen, under any pretext whatsoever, to any advances; in this case alone, do not be afraid of seeming discourteous and unpolished.

Remember that you have consecrated your heart to God and have offered Him your love, so it would be a sacrilege to take from Him even the smallest part of it. Rather, offer it to Him again in a thousand resolutions and promises, and hide yourself among them as a deer hides in the thicket, and cry out to God. He will hasten to your aid, and His love will take yours under its protection, so that it may live on for Him alone.

Guard yourself, Philothea, against wicked love, for you will at once become corrupted yourself. But friendship is the most dangerous of loves. Every other love can exist without being shared with another, but friendship consists precisely in this, that two persons love one another. And so you can hardly be a friend to another without becoming attached to his qualities. Not every love is friendship. For, first, a person may love without being loved in return, and that is love, but not friendship, since friendship is a mutual love, and if it is not mutual, there is no friendship. Second, it is not enough for the love to be mutual; the persons must also know that they love one another. If they do not know it, there will be love, but there will be no friendship. Third, there must, besides this, be some bond between them, and this is the foundation of friendship.

Friendship is distinguished according to the bond or exchange on which it is founded. And bonds are distinguished according to the goods that they give or prescribe. If those goods are false and empty, the friendship too will be false and empty. If the goods are genuine, the friendship too will be genuine. And the more excellent the goods, the more excellent the friendship. Just as honey is finer when it is gathered from choicer flowers, so love is finer when it is founded on a more precious bond.

The giving of sensual pleasures is an animal inclination and enjoyment common to the species, and among human beings it cannot be called friendship any more than it can among donkeys or horses. And if there were no other bonds in marriage, there would be no friendship in it either. But in marriage there is a shared life, work, property, love and indissoluble fidelity, and so conjugal friendship is a true and holy friendship.

Friendship founded on the sharing of bodily pleasures is entirely coarse and unworthy of the name of friendship, as is that founded on worthless and empty virtues, since even those virtues depend on the senses. I call sensual pleasures those which directly and primarily gratify the outward senses. Thus people delight in beauty, a fine voice, touch, and so forth. Worthless virtues are certain skills and empty qualities which the weak-minded call virtues and perfections. Just listen to most young women, wives and young men, and you will hear them say, without any pretence: "This is a very virtuous and thoroughly accomplished man: he dances beautifully, plays every game well, dresses tastefully, sings wonderfully, jests courteously, and conducts himself well." And buffoons consider the greatest buffoons to be the most virtuous. All this pertains to the senses. And so the friendship that arises from it is called sensual, worthless and empty, and might better be called folly than friendship. Such, as a rule, are the friendships of young people, who look to a moustache, to hair, to tender glances, to clothing, to youth and to chatter. Such friendships suit the age of lovers whose virtue is still slight and whose judgement is only just budding. That is why these friendships are also unstable, and melt away like snow in the sun.

Friendship requires a great deal of intercourse between friends, otherwise it can neither arise nor endure. And so it often happens that within a friendship a further kind of exchange arises. Feelings pass from heart to heart; sentiments, inclinations and impressions insinuate themselves and flow mutually into one another. This happens especially when we greatly esteem the one we love. Then we open our heart wide to our friend, and along with the friendship all his inclinations and impressions, whether good or bad, easily enter into it.

Indeed, the bees that gather the honey of Heraclea seek only honey, but along with the honey they unwittingly draw in the poison from the aconite as well. Let us, then, Philothea, hold fast to the words which, as the ancients relate, the Saviour of our souls often spoke: "Be good money-changers", that is, do not accept false coin along with true, nor base gold along with good. Distinguish the precious from the worthless. And indeed, there is scarcely a man without a fault. Why, then, should we accept from a friend, along with his friendship, every kind of fault and failing of his?

One must, of course, love him despite all his faults, but the faults themselves should not be loved or accepted. Friendship requires that good, and not evil, be shared mutually. Just as those who draw sand from the river Tagus separate out the gold they find in it and carry that home, leaving the sand on the bank, so too those who have gained a good friend must separate out the sand of his faults and not let it into their soul. Indeed, St Gregory Nazianzen relates that many came to love and admire St Basil so much that they even tried to imitate his outward faults, speaking slowly, pensively and in a manner hard to understand, and walking and wearing their beards as he did.

And we too see how husbands, wives, children and friends, who greatly esteem their friends, parents, husbands or wives, whether because they are fond of them or because they imitate them, take on, in their friendly intercourse, a thousand of their faults. And this should on no account be so. For each of us has enough of our own shortcomings and inclinations already - why, then, should we shoulder another's burden as well? Friendship not only does not require this, but on the contrary demands that each help the other to be freed from all their shortcomings.

One must, of course, bear a friend's faults gently, but one should not encourage them, still less take them upon oneself. I am speaking here only of faults.

But a friend's sin we must neither tolerate nor abet. For it would be a weak or wicked friendship indeed, if a friend were to watch his friend perishing and not help him, watch him dying of an ulcer and not dare to lance it with the blade of rebuke and so save him. True and living friendship has no place amid sins. They say the salamander puts out the fire it lies down in; and sin likewise puts out the friendship it makes its home in. If the sin is a passing one, a friendly rebuke will soon drive it away; but if it takes root and remains, the friendship perishes at once, for friendship can subsist only upon true virtue. How, then, could one dare to sin for friendship's sake? A friend is an enemy when he entices us to sin; and it is right that he should lose our friendship when he wishes to corrupt and ruin his friend.

One of the surest signs, then, that a friendship is false, is when it is formed with a wicked man, whatever his particular vices may be. If the one we love is wicked, our friendship too is undoubtedly wicked; for in that case no regard is paid to true virtue, and the friendship must be founded either on a worthless virtue or on some sensual quality.

Trading partnerships formed for temporal gain are but an image of true friendship, since they are entered into not out of love for persons, but out of self-interest.

Here, then, are two divine words, two pillars on which the Christian life is made firm. The first is that of the Wise Man: "Those who fear God will also find a faithful friend." The second is that of St James: "Friendship with the world is enmity with God."